No man is an island

No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee

John Donne

I love this poem and understnd what Donne saying, but had he met an Aphasic? 

My Aphasia has ment I have tried to retreet my own island, like hermit, retreeting inside myself  trying make sense of what this condition doing to.

I explained before what Aphasia is and chalenges Aphasics face in evryday life. Comunication is part of evryday life so, when it disapeers, huge part of our lives disapeer with it. Man is ment to be part of society, a society that interacts with each other. So much life revolves round comunication, from the time we wake in morning to the time we retire nite we comunicating. Radio, television, email, text, leters, books, magazines, greetings cards, films, social media, socialising, doctors/dentists/consultants apointments, famly and frends we are always in some form comunication.

If you have truble speeking and you want tell your husbnd, wife, partner, children, parents that you love them but are unable to say those simple words I Love You, can you imagine how hertbraking that is? If you can rite then it is a form of expresing those sentiments but if you cannot rite either, it is another blow. If you received a card with those words but couldn't reed, how distresing you think  is? But that how Aphasia afects  many peple. 

I was trying hard to work on my speech, reeding and riting. I could say somethings, my reeding, like now, at a basic level (nothing to hevy!), riting was a problm because of speling. I also mised small joining words. On  my retreeted  island I very low, I forgoten famly and frends' names, I forever trying to find other ways to say things, explain things, describe things. There it was in hed and I wanted 'set it free'.

My speech therapist came up with video camera and wanted me and my husbnd video ourselves having conversations. We gave it a go. When it was played back I saw I could comunicate much beter than I thort! I was building a bridge to other islands, islands biger and with more peple on them! As we made our videos she praised me for way I comunicate and say we perfect models for Aphasics to follow!

Having lived in France for 10 yeers we had become used to using gestures to emphasise our words, I was using lots of gestures more than I realised. Pointing, pictures, hed, eyes, body I used them all. I could comunicate! 

It was time to walk over the bridge and meet peple from other islands. It didn't meen that I was cured, no way. Feer still lurks and at time I retreet to my island and block the bridge. I rite more but finding words is still hard. I still reed easy books. I cannot follow some things I get confused, agitated, upset. Peple ask if I watched so and so, red so and so and I say no; oh you should it great. But I have not been able to I just can't - yet. 

One thing that has upset me is I haven't been able to go to church. It isn't that I don't want to, but just the fact I scared. True I have had lot of problms with pain over the last couple months and doctors have helped that. I got more tablets take! But I scared number peple there, talk me and then sermon I not sure I able folow. I try get out be with peple, but siting same room them and noing you got talk, I panic.

I try explain this peple but they not understnd. That meen I retreet again and want stay own island. Why you not understnd? It over and over in hed.

I think, what big problm? Talk, reed, rite? I no it talk. OK. So, I no I not talk gud. But I comunicate. So if I able comunicate, what problm? None! Ah, but peple think I stupid not talk gud. Is that MY problm? No. It they problm. If they problm way I talk then tugh! 

Concentration and understnding problm me. Some sermons go long time and I not follow, what do? Try follow and if can't sit and pray! 

I able take these answers other things. Grups are big problm me. I gud small grups but big grups more noise and I not able follow peple say. So I find one/to peple talk to and keep that.

Donne rite, no man (or woman) is island we all need be part of biger continent. We need them suport, sustinense, information, company. We conected by what we give each other. When one us not being part we mised and the interaction brake down. Even hermits mixed with others times. For news, food, company, reasurance.  I venturing further from island, times it nice return and recharge then venture out gain.

I working on meeting biger grups and no I lay down rules that. I hope things improve but if not, I got ways comunicate and if peple not like it they not need talk me!

We all part one whole

Small as we are, we all part one whole

We all got something ofer 

No one more or less important than others

We are no beter or worse than others

But some will try to bring you down

Avoid the rubish tips, where the truble lerks

Life rols by in fast lane and times we need retreet to sanctury

Find that place calm, recharge and stride out again

Peple not have like you or want you, they have choise

You have choise to, go where you wanted, needed

Go where rivers flow, flowers grow and sun shines

Go to the hapy places, places where love blosoms.

Don't let angst and critiques bother you

They drag you down, hurt you, bruise you.

Keep to the side where green grass grows

This you life, you got choises, you got chances

Make rite choises and you chances come

You got something ofer, YOU!

You got something peple want, YOU!

For each rejection there many chances

You small  but part of whole picure.

You as important as evryone else

You no beter, no worse than evryone else:

Go where you wanted and needed

Let nothing bother you, not get draged down.

Live for you and remember you are unique

You are YOU and there not another one like it!

Digging deep

This is Coral's husband writing this introductory paragraph to a new entry to the blog. Coral had another stroke in January that worsened her Aphasia leaving her with great difficulty with memory of names and being able to spell. She still has lots of ideas, so I thought she should continue with her blog. Therefore, below is her latest entry unaltered by me. I am sure you will be able to understand what she has written and it gives a great insight into the problems she is having with her spelling.

I not writen since my stroke in Janry. Now I want to start again, with help.

I found I can't see words in my hed so not no how to spel, I could here them so I spelt like I here, feneticaly.

I was embaresed to write and would avoid writing anything. I get more confident now and it easier to rite but stil problm with speling. I reed though and hope I lern spel from reding.

A more upseting thing is remembring names, I not know the names of husbnd, daughters, grandchildren, frends. It make me cry to try remembr, it like a fog in brane and I try hard to think. My husbnd made books for me with picures of famly an frends and he put names on picures so I can find who want and see name.

My granddaughter likes nanny Coucou's specle book ! I have one with things from house in it. I can find the thing and point if I want. It make it easy for husbnd to work out and not have to gess !

When I have name person or thing then I try say name. That not easy. I try lots say over, over gain. In famly we have peple with names sound like. That confuse me. Some sounds not easy say and not come out rite.

Some days betr others. I think and talk betr so I get confident then next day I bad gain. I use tablet to rite and that has predicted text, so when use tablet peple say 'oh you are betr. You rite real good gain, glad you back normel !' 'I say not good I use predictive text, ' 'oh that sad.' Yes it sad but I bit betr use text as some spel is betr when use computer.

I stil understnd what peple say me, but when I try lissen long talk I not understnd. Short talk with picures to brake it up I cope with, but just talk that go on long time confuse me. I panic and cry.

My stroke last yeer that mean I have Aphasia upset me but names and riting stil there. This stroke made more bad, it hard acsept.

I have speech therapy with lady and work with husbnd on souns and words. He gets me talk on subgect and let me say what want. Therapist good she help lot.

I found I swere now and not something I do befor stroke Janry. In book I see peple have same problm and I reed :

Swearing

Even if you can't say very much, you may find yourself swearing a lot. This can happen even if you rarely swore before the stroke.

Because of the stroke, the brain may have less control over what is said. Swear words may be easier to get at than words you want to say.

Sometimes people who have Aphasia don't know they're swearing.

What you can do :

Remember that swearing is one of the effects of the stroke.

Help others to understand why you are swearing a lot.

Perhaps show them this section of the Stroke and Aphasia Handbook.

As time passes, you should find yourself swearing less and getting more control.

This reasures me that it not my forlt that this happen. But when say to speech therapist they not no bout this hapen to peple. But speeech therapist on the ARC group say it comon problm and she say keep calm !

I get betr talk spel, predictive text and copi/paste help lot. As do that and reed more it go in and hope , soon I do betr.

The Mask

I hear the comments peple make of me

You are hapy, you look well, bettr than ever

Life is good to you, you have come through so well.

They see the mask I were that hides the truth.

Remove the mask and see what lies beyond

The confushon in my hed, the battle with words

The names I cannot remembr,

The strugle to live day to day.

I wear my mask to protect those around me

To tell them I cope with this pain

To face a criticle world

To convins myself I am not beaten.

My batle for words never ends

My batle to remembr agonises

My batle with the fog envelups me

I batle to live a normle life.

My mask is my protecter

My mask get me thrugh the days

My mask tells peple I can live

My mask says here is a surviver.