Growing out of Stres and Confusion - When?

Coral's husband here again introducing her latest article for the blog together with another poem. Coral is still having problems with spelling etc. but I trust you will be able to follow the article because I think leaving it unaltered will slowly help Coral with the written word.

It has woried me that things I thort would get betr have not done so.

After my stroke last August I found I would cry for no reeson. Sudenly I would just start to sob. I found that other peple did same so I not wory to much. Then I have stroke Janry and I still cry for no reeson. Sometimes I think it cause I tired but I found I do when I confused or stresed.

I like go shoping and help decide what eat. But that not easy. I find hard chose. I want bread, beans, tea, cheese etc but so much choise ! I want bread and there thick, medium, thin, wholemeel, flavors, small loaf, big loaf etc. But I want just a loaf bread. Beans have so many brands and cheese – it remind me De Gaulle who say 'How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese ?' Exactly ! To much choise. Making choise for me is very stresful, I not able to do it and need lot help and pacience. My husbnd will try help, he explane what there and the diference. When I decided I reck ! I cry cause the stres make me cry. 

I been quit lucky at shops peple help but had some peple serve not so nice. They not lissen me proply and when I got chose they sigh and tut. I have husbnd there lot time but always try have someone. I ware bracelet say 'Awareness of Aphasia' I show them and say I problem talk. Sometimes these peple look at husbnd to decide but he no it me must chose.

When need buy food I need find things I able eat. Since 4^th stroke nerely 10 yeers go I had swalow problms. It got worse last August and more in Janry. I not good with letuce, dry rice, noodles, runer beans, celery, aple peel, potato skin, big tomatos not good but OK chery tomatos. I need lot sauce on food, it need be soft and cut small. Breads with 'bits on' no good but rost veggies are excellent. We use slow cooker lot that help and corse we can make meal and let cook long it need. I lern hard way from choking so we changed what eat and how cook. When take tablets I take with yogurt, porrige, custard as it easier swalow that way. I do have before meal tablets that must take no food so make sure mouth not dry and swalow with lot water.

I cry when not understnd things. It hard if peple try explane things complicated way. I need someone tell what say. Yes, I can understnd but why some peple make big thing out something small ? I mean they turn it to a drama. I ask pleese rite down what you say so I reed latr and try understnd, my husbnd listen to and he tell me what say, tho at times he say 'they go on a bit !'

I try plan what I were and if I no I go somewhere latr and want cetane clothes were I get washed early. I hate look in cubord and get stresed what to were. I not lots clothes but some things I like more othrs. If I thort before I betr and carmer.

To cope betr I like plan food, clothes, what I do day to day, enouf medcines, flat cleen. If these not done I stres and get confused. To some peple that sily but I find that what brain injry do you.

Losing words stres and confuse too. For me losing word frustrates me as I no I no it and it like it teese me just out reech. I lost names of famly and frends, I no who they are but not names. The name iches at me and I no it there, sometimes I think name come in hed, I so hapy but it go qwik. It like things in flat I can't get they just things (we have lots things!) it wich thing I meen husbnd must gess !

He make me book with picures of famly and frends and put names them. I can look at picure and reed name. He make book with picures of things in diferent rooms, diferent foods, times yeer, clothes, it all help. I wood like spel good gain but that take long time. I rite, sometimes good sometimes not. I reed lite story as understnd betr. I need betr consentrate but that short time and I stop when feel stresed.

Things not helped by medcine which make tired. I have Morphine and Codeine and some othrs that make tired. I not able do much when tired, get stresed, confused, angry I just need sleep. I thort I be OK by now but peple say they stil need nap time lot yeers aftr stroke. It anoy me that you not told things like this, but when say to doctor bout it they say oh yes that normal ! Why not say you and not let you be stresed ?

There lot things lern by self and from others had stroke. It good help othrs, but we remembr that stroke afect peple difrent ways. It never easy but if you got good doctor, good therapists, good carer, good famly, good frends you cope betr. I got lot peple who help me but husbnd is carer. He lern that it betr to not joke bout when cry, not joke when I stresed or frustrated, he not joke when confused cause that make it worse. I not cope with joke then. He lern he must bos me bout and say what I can/cannot do, when I must rest, when I done nough. I not like it but he tell me if not behave I not do what I want ! Of course he rite, I find need rest but I not give in ! He rite that when I tired, stresed, frustrated talk get worse, I get confused and get worse and cry and then I not able do anything. He use that horid word, PACING, that I hate. I betr than was but not as good as shuld be.

I think I shuld be betr at some things I not but when say therapist she say it take long time and sometimes you never betr. I see peple my age or older and they do things I want do. But as I told they not got what rong you and not been thru what you been thru. I supose that is the all I can acept from how things are.

I got think not expect too much, slow down, breeth, acept help, keep carm, prepare, not expect too much.

Can't you hury up deer

Can't you hury up deer, I haven't got all day

Can't you hury up deer, I want to get away.

I got things to do deer, they realy cannot wate

I got things to do deer, I don't want to be late.

Can't he chose it for you, he seems a decent chap

Can't you let him help you, stop geting in a flap.

If you cannot chose deer, let him tell which one

Would suit you best deerie, and let us all be done.

Can't you speek more cleerly, I can't make out what you say

There's lot of pointing and arm waves, a strange way to behave.

Are you deff then deerie, or mentaly deranged

It must be hard for you deer with her so badly damaged.

No, I never herd of that, a new fangeled disease

It seems they are always finding a new name for lunacy.

Well, it isn't normal to act the way she does

Grunting, crying, stuttering, and many a cuss.

Sorry I'm sure deerie, if I've got you upset

But I can't understnd you, and I've tried my best.

Think how my other customers feel to here your muddled speech

If fair gives them the shivers to here you call that cardigan a peech !

I think it best my deeries she stays at home now on

We wouldn't want to distress the others in the town

They want to live quite peceful like with nothing to distress

And seeing you in this state would surely not impress.

I need to get educated, is that what you are saying ?

I need to understnd your problms, and how you are coping ?

I need to lern how to comunicate with others like you ?

You meen there are more out there, what am I to do ?

So, you are inteligent, just language has gone astray

You understnd what I mean and heer all I say.

Tis a funy busness this thing you have aquired

What's that is called ? A funy word that APHASIA .

New year, new challenges the hardest resolutions

I appreciate I have been absent from the blog for a while, this due to nasty little winter bugs that chose to attack me.

Leading up to Christmas sinusitis, chest infection, colds, minor mouth surgery and a stomach problem have been wearing me down. Luckily I had two days reprieve, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, when I could enjoy myself. Christmas Eve spent with friends that we have known for many years and Christmas Day with our daughter, son in law and grandchildren.

With the New Year approaching I am asked, what resolutions will you make? I always answer honestly - I don't make them. I have seen people start the New Year by planning to take up exercise, start a diet or give up smoking, invariably they never succeed and two weeks later they have failed.

My idea of change is not stopping something but starting something. My logic is that cutting or throwing out the 'bad' and bringing in the 'good' can never work when done suddenly. You have to run the two together, for instance if you never exercise and suddenly start exercising every day is doomed to failure but introducing exercise slowly as part of you daily routine will be better for your body and for success.

I have never undertaken a faddy diet, instead I have gently changed what I eat by introducing items into my regular diet or substituting one type of product for another. That way I avoid stomach upsets and other problems connected to a new way of eating. People who resolve to stop smoking usually find themselves buying cigarettes again two weeks after throwing away the last packet. Like those who resolve to stop drinking, the reason they fail is they go cold turkey. Cutting down and having a 'buddy' is more likely to succeed as the failure is the body reacting to the sudden stop of nicotine or alcohol. It is like weaning a baby away from milk and onto solids; it has to be done slowly and carefully.

When I want or need to make changes I do them when the need arises. Then I have no pressure to succeed unlike if I were to wait until the new year, nothing would ever happen and would doom to failure. Besides there is no time like the present to make changes if they are needed.

Therefore, I have no resolutions but I do have challenges which are on going from the work I have been doing since my stroke.

I have been working on my speech and using many aids to help. I have downloaded some apps onto my phone and tablet which I hope will help and inspire me. Many of these apps come via the ARC group on facebook. ARC, Aphasia Recovery Connection, is an American website to help Aphasics, not just in America but other places too. Members of the group post things they find useful and helpful to their recovery. I have a game I play which is a word game called 4 pics 1 word. You see four pictures with one word in common and that is the answer. Some are quite difficult. I have the whiteboard application which I haven't used except to show people. I you cannot make yourself understood verbally then the whiteboard means you can write the word, if you know it, or draw what you want, easily erased it is simple and effective. I have also downloaded onto my Kindle a workbook that my husband helps me with. He reads phrases or sayings and I have to fill in the relevant word. I know the words mainly but the pronunciation is the bigger problem there.

What I cannot improve on is my emotional state. If I cannot think of a word or make myself understood I burst into tears, if I lose something I know I had I cry it is like going into panic mode and nothing I do can stop it. If I want to tell my husband something he has to hold my hand to calm me. On occasions he does interrupt of finish my sentences when I am looking for a word and that upsets me. This week at the Aphasia group I go to we had a lady come to talk about homeopathy and how it helps with stroke. My husband had gone to the carers' meeting so I sat alone. I found the talk confusing and difficult to follow and he wasn't there to explain what was going on. The talk was long for me, I cope with short conversations with simple words but a talk like this isn't short or easy to follow. I panicked and started to cry and a volunteer came over to talk to me and calm me. I stopped crying but I was at a loss as to what the talk was about. I knew why I was crying then but sometimes I have no idea why I am doing it.

My husband tells me to calm down and breathe which helps. Other people say there is no problem with your speech we understand you, the problem there is they do not seem to appreciate the stress communicating puts you under. Yes, they may understand what I want to say but to get there is traumatic as searching for the RIGHT word is uppermost in my mind. At home I have lots of 'things' these are words that I cannot remember or find. My husband's job is to guess the 'thing' I mean and he is getting good at it. I can only describe it as the word accessible, there but just out of reach. I do not know the word of the thing I am writing this on for instance, there are many more and some people think it is funny that I don't know what they are. It isn't funny and when they laugh I cry.


This is my challenge to find these words and work on them and the pronunciation. This is not a resolution this is work in it's hardest form.

Inspiration from special people

If you were to ask me what I get out of going to the Aphasia group I would tell you, inspiration.

All the people there are amazing. The stroke survivors, who have been through so much and continue to work at improving albeit a struggle. The carers who walk each step with the survivors, help them, teach them, laugh and cry with them. The volunteers, some of whom have Aphasia themselves, tirelessly work to make each session a joy, interesting, manageable. They are all wonderful and they make my afternoon as just being with them I feel the inspiration flood into me and encourage me to strive to improve. The lady from the Stroke Association who comes along and has words of encouragement for each and everyone is prepared to listen and advise. My own Stroke Association lady, I live in a different area from the one where the group is held, told me it was great there when she recommended it! She was right.

I take away the inspiration, encouragement, joy and companionship to use in my poems. Essentially they are about me and how I am coping with the stroke and its aftermath. Just as this blog does but in the poems I express myself differently and more deeply.

I enjoy writing and always have and it is a medium that I can use to express my emotions much more easily than in speech. They start with an idea and then they grow, they are like a picture with words and sometimes I wonder if only I can see that picture because they are so much a part of me.

I wanted to express my feelings about how I felt before, during and after the stroke and my vision of a future. So I wrote the first one, somewhat complicated words, but I felt very complex at the time. The others also come from deep within me but hopefully not as complex!

After the storm clouds

Afternoon sun disappears behind the gathering clouds

White, scattered turn a silver grey

Gradually attaining a charcoal hue

Before cultivating a deepening brume

Obliterating the golden orb

Shielding it from human eye

Rain nebula gather to douse the earth

Rain falls pattering softly

Increasing in density

Beating a tattoo on solid ground

Drenching, impregnating, saturating, submerging

Until, exhausted, the torrent abates

The golden orb peeks through the depleted clouds

Luminous streaks radiate the sky

Glimmering on the waterlogged terrain

Conduits glisten as luminosity shimmers in sparkling dartles

The storm clouds dissipate

Opening to the brilliant arc emblazoning the skies

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet

In scintillating perceptibility

Virtually tangible in proximity

The curlicue is a covenant of ameliorated future.

Would I change who I am ?

One day I asked myself, 'Would I change how I am ? '

Would I have a perfect life, riches and fame, glory and decorations ?

No ! I accept my life,as it is, imperfect, unrestrained, problematic.

I see others with perfect lives, unhappy, unfulfilled, unloved.

Their lives bear no comparison to mine

I see love in my husband's eyes as he holds me

I see joy on the faces of my grandchildren as they see me

Caring in my children as they help me

I don't need wealth of money, I have wealth of love

I don't need fame, I am known by those who count me among them

I don't need glory, I have tasted glory in achievements

I don't need decorations, I have been decorated with being called -

Mother, grandmother, wife, daughter, sister, friend.

My imperfect life is full of medical imperfections

I am unrestrained by my conditions as I strive to live each day

It is problematic, as I turn a problem into a positive.

They are not happy as I am happy to be who I am

They are not fulfilled as I am fulfilled
 What my conditions have taught me

I am loved, by those whom I love.

Turn a negative into a positive

Turn a low into a high

Turn sadness to joy

Turn hate to love

Turn cries to laughter
Turn discord into peace 
Turn bitterness into pleasure

Turn misfortune into a blessing

Make your medical problems work FOR you not against

Turn them into advantages not disadvantages

If you saw other disabilities as well as your own

You would surely chose the devil you know.

Life behind the veil

I seem to live behind a veil, seeing but not seeing the world outside

It is close, if only I could reach out I could touch it

I shout out the words, but no one hears my impassioned plea

I shout a wordless cry of help, falling soundless on deafened ears

I see them moving, talking, laughing as though nothing else matters in the world

I cannot join their revalries, I am shut out from the crowd

I hear them and reply to them but yet await for them to know me

I am shut, trapped, resigned to live in a shadow

Neither here alone or with them outside

I have nothing for them, no voice, no thoughts

If they would only notice this veil and pull it away

If they would come and save me from this isolation

I could be somebody, prove my worth, see the world and laugh and talk once again

One roll of the dice

Life is a lottery you buy your ticket and see what comes up.

Some win a jackpot and squander the lot

Others bank it for a rainy day

Others receive a minor win

Yet most win the booby prize.

You make what you will of your lucky dip

Squandering a fortune sends them crashing down

Banking it does no good for anyone

A minor win can accumulate riches if put to good use

A booby prize can be turn into a pot of gold, by using it well.

Your life is in your hands

Use it well or you lose the prize.

One roll of the dice equals one chance to get it right.