The three Rs

You will possibly only understand Aphasia if you either have it, know someone with it or are a speech and language therapist. Even then, as I have found, having it doesn't mean I can understand exactly what others are struggling with or they me.

I have mentioned before I love to read. I have a Kindle full of books that I haven't yet read and sadly will not for some time.I also have shelves of books that I read over and over again but they are ignored for the time being. I have had to change my reading matter for things that are 'light and fluffy' as I call it. That is family sagas that are fun and easy to read. Well not really easy as I have mentioned I tend to find each page is like a new book and I cannot remember what has happened previously in the story. I spoke to the speech therapist about it and she has suggested that I read a page or two and then write down a little about the story so I can refer back to it. As time progresses I might be able to read more pages until I get to a whole chapter before writing anything down. But not to get too ahead of myself I am on the one or two pages at present.

But today I had a slight breakthrough! I was reading a page and something seemed to niggle at me. I am sure I have read about this character or situation before in another book of the sagas. I have tried to find it but cannot be sure where it was so I have this niggle going on. Hopefully I will be able to match it up but I am sure I am not imagining it.

I also like doing crosswords but they are much too hard at the moment. I am not referring to the Times crossword just one in my womens' magazine. I just can't think of words that will fit and I do them to keep my brain active! I shouldn't get upset but I do. Sometimes I just cannot understand the question even let alone the answer. So I have stopped doing them it is much too upsetting and I will try again in a few months.

I also find that numbers are so difficult at the moment. I recognise numbers on their own but as a sum I can't do it, even if it is easy sums. The same goes for money. I look at the coins and I look at the numbers on them but adding them together is panic stations. I have had to trust people to take the correct money or give the correct change and I hope they are honest. I know that paper money is more than coins so at least I have that advantage but it isn't any help when I don't know what change they will give.

I feel I should be starting school with the nursery class to learn to read, write and add up. That sounds silly but I do feel like a small child again starting out. I have good friends who will help me as well as family but whilst everyone is doing things almost automatically I am struggling on the edge.

When I think of the double As I got in English and the B in French after my second stroke I cannot believe I did it but then I didn't have Aphasia. I would love to study again but how can I? I love English literature and history. Now I have the time to study I haven't the ability. I do take photographs and intended to do a photography course but the communication would be difficult as it is in a group where everyone is talking. I can't cope in those situations. An online course would suit me from that point of view but then there is the reading and writing to be done. I just seem to go round in circles.

Some information on Aphasia I was given talks of the problems people have in returning to work or getting a job if they have Aphasia. I wouldn't know how to start looking for a job if I was of working age. I was in a job where I was communicating by telephone, face to face and in writing. I did a lot of number work, adding pages of figures together; a job I wouldn't be able to do now.

One thing that Aphasia does is make you isolated and I feel that very much. I can't use the telephone unless my husband is here to answer and put it on speaker so I can hear. I can't even buy on line as he has to be here to do the money side. I want to go out but I am scared, of what people will say, how they will react and how they will treat me.

I can't stay home for ever I know that and I must take that first small step to mixing in public.

I use a wheelchair so already people know I have mobility problems but when I open my mouth to speak my Aphasia will stand out. I have been saying to myself I have a problem but if people want to be rude and ignore me then they have a bigger problem than me.

I told the staff in hospital I want to get a T-shirt made that says. I take medication for my conditions but there is nothing you can take for ignorance!

I will continue to read, continue to write and continue to get to grips with numbers. All will take time and it will take as longs as it does to get even a little way. Tips from the professionals help and eventually we find a way of coping ourselves. Sharing with others helps too.

Today I hoped I had made a little breakthrough, perhaps I did perhaps I didn't but something seemed to strike a chord with me. Little breakthroughs lead to bigger ones, I will keep looking and hoping.