I have mentioned that I use an electric wheelchair to get around the town and on occasions that we have to walk any distance. It is more practical, most comfortable than my manual chair and gives me more independence.
It is quite large and I can position it with buttons to recline and lift the foot rests so I can almost lay flat, very comfy indeed! I love it so much I have called her Wanda. Because she wanders all over the place with me. We enjoy walks along the seafront of our town. I take her to the theatre where they have designated disabled places for wheelchairs, the lady there says every time I go that it is a big chair. Yes, I say but the same size as the last time I came!
My husband brought her into the hospital for me to sit in as I cannot sit in the low armchairs they provide there. She was fine, we got around the hospital no problem then the left foot rest broke. I had put the foot rests up and locked them in place whilst I sat by the window as the nurses changed and made my bed. Then I had to move so put the foot rests down and when I raised them again the left one was locked.
My husband looked at the chair when he visited and some small bits of plastic fell out of the locking plate. Oh dear, I was rather upset as I rely on Wanda, a lot. But we managed to get by until I got home and then we had to source a wheelchair repair centre.
We know Wanda is an Invacare Tiger so my husband called Invacare in Wales and they told him there is a stockist near us and gave him the telephone number. He called them and they told him to bring Wanda along.
This is where I suddenly became a coward.
I couldn't go with him. I wanted to go, I wanted to tell them what had happened, but I couldn't. I was overcome with sheer panic. I knew if I went I wouldn't be able to talk at all. If I got any words out they would be intelligable and then it would get so much worse. So I stayed at home and off he went with Wanda.
The man was great he said, he took photos of the chair and of the part concerned. He made notes and would contact Invacare himself to find the part needed. He didn't want to take it apart in case it was factory made in a whole piece, he wanted to check first. So Wanda is back under her cover and chained up with the mobility scooters here at the retirement appartment block.
I felt rather stupid not going but I was in such a state over it. My husband didn't force me and won't he is leaving me to make the decision. And when our daughter rang she didn't say I should have gone, she said it will take time and you will do it. I am not sure what is best really. Them being so kind about it or should they have said it would be alright there is nothing to worry about.
Time, they say, is a great healer. But how much time? Will I suddenly wake up and think, I want to go out today? Or will I have to force myself? Who knows?
Then this afternoon I fell asleep. I think I slept almost two hours. When I woke my husband was there and he started asking me questions but I couldn't answer. It wasn't that I didn't want to I just couldn't; very weird feeling. After about half an hour I could get out one or two words but they didn't seem very clear, a while later when our daughter rang it seemed easier but still a challenge to say what I wanted.
I read in my information on Aphasia that some people have days when they can talk all day then another day cannot say a word. I hope it won't be like that but if it is then I shall just have to learn to live with it.
I am often thinking about what I used to do and what I wanted to do. Much of it is involved with talking, reading and writing. But now things are different I will have to change my goals. For a long time I was a Girl Guide (Girl Scout) Leader which I loved. I enjoyed all aspects of it, especially camping, hiking, camp fires and everything associated with it. After living in France for 10 years and now back in the UK I wanted to become involved again but this time in the Trefoil Guild.
I had met up with the ladies for a visit to the Lifeboat station and for a meal in July and found them a wonderful group of people. I was looking forward to the new term in September and had found out where to get my uniform etc.
How would they react to me now? I decided to email the leader of the group and she was very encouraging. I sent her a copy of the first of these blogs and she has passed it to the others. I didn't want to have to explain what had happened and what Aphasia meant on the first evening. I prefer that people know in advance then I can answer questions as they arise. It is reassuring that I can still be a part of something that was important to me for so long.
I read today a quote that I think is very apt.
You can't start the next chapter of your life
If you keep re-reading the last one.
I think that is important to remember. I had a busy and active life. Work, home, family, drama clubs, choirs, swimming, aqua-aerobics, travel, Guiding, camping and so much more. But if I cling to all that I won't be able to go forward. I think with my disability I have done that to some extent and became stuck. Now I have another problem and I must find a way to work with it not against it. I will still travel, I will be involved in Guiding again, I could still swim and do aqua-aerobics as the swimming pool near us has swimming for the disabled. I have a wonderful church family who are understanding and accepting as well as family and friends.
I need to show those that support me that I can move on to the next chapter and be as happy there as I was before.
I was a coward today but perhaps I can be less of a coward tomorrow or the day after. Life is not easy and no one said it has to be, it is what you do with the hand dealt you.
No comments:
Post a Comment