Rose tinted glases

I not ritten in long time. We went France to see famly and visit our house which is now up for sale. I miss it much but we no it now time move on. We can still visit our dauter and her famly, if she agree! I miss the grandchildren and we have great time with them. They got so big, it was 16 months sinse we last saw them and the change was enormus.

I was asked if I miss the house and the area we lived, I say yes we hapy. We like the peace and quiet of the countryside. We drive hour and not see another car. Then I think, was I remembring rite?

Yes it lovely, fields of cows, lakes, forest, quiet roads, speedy apointments at doctor or consultant. Smell fresh bred from bakery, helpful butcher, greengrocer, pharmacy. Siting outside café watching world go by. The BBQs in the garden, growing own vegetables and herbs, siting in the garden listening to the drone of bees, watching lizards sunbathing, evenings watching the bats flying. The sound of the stags in ruting season. Those rose tinted glases were well employed.

I think of the heavy snow and painful cold. The freezing pipes, the sporadic electricity in thunderstorms. The treacherous roads to get to doctor (rite by huge lake with no fencing and ice on road), the amount work do on house, the batles with beaurocracy; in another language. The treatment of disabled peple being horendous. No droped kerbs, groveling for caddies to fit the wheelchair in supermarkets. When I got Aphasia first time in 2012 the isolation as I was the French speeker for me and my husbnd. He tried and he did shoping but couldn't explane anything. I had rite lot leters, luckily I could still rite OK.

Now we in UK and able manage beter. Still missing France a lot but it beter get treetment in own country with own language. I still not good talk lot and leeve most to him, unless with peple no very well. I got card say I had stroke and got Aphasia. I kept in in my handbag/purse in my purse/wallet. But as use wheelchair it fidly to get out so I got lanyard with ID card wallet and put in there. It hang round neck and it easy show.

I try find ways round stuff and glad I can. I not use those rose tinted glases as they just cause havoc! I want see what rite and what rong. I like try and find anser to problms and I can't do that when I not got clear picure.

ROSE TINTED GLASES

Of rose tinted glases I have no need

I just take of my own and I suceed

No trace of dirt, dust or grime

I look in the miror and I am in my prime!

I see my husbnd, so young and virile

My hert makes a leap, a bound and a jigle.

 

I don't see grafiti on the wals

The crime, abuse and braking of laws.

The anger, the poverty and homeles neer

The tears, the hopelesnes and downrite feer.

The spiraling down into an abys

The peple so many say they wouldn't mis.

Love is a state that is felt in the hert

It flies into me percing just like a dart.

It opens the way for a sweling of pride

That I should be loved, I'll not let it hide!

A hug or a kiss is all that I need

ThenI no that at anything I will suceed.

If only this feeling so warm kept inside

I could share with those shut outside.

To brake down those horors we chose to ignore

That are the curse of the hungry and poor.

A pair of glases tinted in rose

Wil not protect you from any of those.

I am hapy, I'm glad, I'm fulfiled in a way

That many won't feel till the end of their days.

I have famly, I have frends to many to count

Showing feelings I never have cause to doubt.

Those rose tinted glases I chose to discard

And trust in a future mitily stared.

 

 

Chic womankind (and mankind)

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

We all are! Everyone has the potential to be attractive and well dressed. I don't mean expensively dressed just well dressed.

Being disabled and using a wheelchair means I prefer to wear trousers, jeans, slacks, cropped trousers, as long as they are comfortable. I wear tunics, tops, t-shirts and sometimes a blouse.One requirement is that they have sleeves these days. I do have skirts and a dress but frankly I prefer trousers when I am in the chair as they are much more practical. I have seen some very unfortunate sights of women wearing skirts or dresses sitting in a wheelchair and it was not a pretty sight either! Skirts too short and showing, what my grandmother called 'next week's washing'! Oh dear!!

Being disabled doesn't mean you have to look scruffy, badly dressed and not care about your appearance. That is what non disabled people think we are like. A little while ago two friends spoke of their encounters with people who had definite ideas on what we should wear. One met an acquaintance who said, 'Oh, you look nice!' In a surprised voice. To which my friend replied, 'don't I usually then?' Exactly. This is a person who takes pride in her appearance, visits the hairdresser regularly and dresses well; not expensively but well (there is a difference). The other friend was affronted when a 'well meaning acquaintance said my friend should wear tracksuits rather than what she was wearing, 'as it would be better for people helping you dress!' The last thing my friend would wear is a tracksuit! How dare people say such things, but they do.

It is the season of parties and celebrating and as much as anyone I will dress to impress! Sparkles, spangles, shiny stuff, silver earrings, silver bangles, sparkly rings - you name it I will do it. And all cheap too! I am not going to break the bank with diamonds and other expensive gems but will sparkle, ta dah!

As I will be encountering my fashion conscious two and a half year old granddaughter over Christmas I will HAVE to wear sparkles or get told off, yes I am nagged by a mini fashion designer. But I am happy to wear sparkles, even sparkly nail varnish.

So, why do people have the idea that disabled people can't wear anything à la mode? Perhaps they think we would get too much above ourselves if we dared look like everyone else, or dressing down kept us in our place, perhaps they think we can't 'carry it off' like a non disabled person? Perhaps all these reasons.

At the Christmas party for the Stroke Association Aphasia Group I looked around and everyone was beautifully turned out, especially the ladies. Sparkles, Christmas earrings, party hats, smart trousers mostly but a few dresses, makeup, hair coiffed, everyone was determined to look their best. And why not? Perhaps we are disabled and our speech is dubious but we like to have fun. Eating, drinking, pulling crackers, playing pass the parcel, doing a quiz and singing Carols; wonderful. A scene no different to that at any club, group or office party. I always dressed up for my office party so I am not going to stop now!

I am not offended when someone says to me, 'I do like your scarf, where did you get it?' Because they appreciate my taste. It is those who say with an air of amazement, 'that is a lovely scarf YOU are wearing.' I  just say, 'yes I chose it because I like it.'

I wore an unusual poppy leading up to  Remembrance Sunday, it was knitted by a member of the Trefoil Guild. Everyone who saw it commented on it and asked where I got it, I swear I could have sold nearly a hundred of them! It was a talking point and got me conversing as well as I could with people.I have had various conversations over the years with people about clothes and accessories and, whilst many have been favourable to my tastes, some have looked at me aghast when I say what I think of an item. Sometimes even the comment of 'YOU would wear THAT' has been heard, adding, 'you are in a wheelchair.' Umm, yes, this is a wheelchair, ten out of ten for observation!

 I have noticed that the men at the group also looked well turned out, whether that is them or their wives/partners doing I am not sure but it is encouraging to see them taking pride in themselves. Being disabled doesn't mean loosing your tastes, ability to chose for yourself or mean you should look like a scarecrow. I visit the hairdresser regularly and she will tell you I have the ability to tell her what I want done. I have my eyebrows, lip and chin waxed as those wispy hairs get on my nerves. I shave my legs - yes OK so I wear trousers, but I know that my legs are hairy! I don't wear makeup as it aggravates my eczema and I have Sjogrens Syndrome which causes very dry eyes. But I am clean and I make sure my hair is washed and tidy so I am not worried over that.

Becoming disabled does seem to be accompanied by depression and one of the signs of that is when a person stops taking a pride in their appearance, I know this from experience. It is so easy to not bother washing your hair, changing your clothes, washing clothes and pressing them. It becomes a downward spiral. So when a disabled person does take pride in themselves it shouldn't go unnoticed but done in a sensitive way. Instead of telling them what they should wear, compliment them on the colour chosen, the style, the cut, the fabric. I was told how lovely a tunic I bought looked because the collar draped beautifully. I was told the colour complimented my colouring, how nice the fabric looked. That is what I like to hear, not the amazement that I would choose such a thing!

Yes, like a lot of people I have made big errors of judgement in certain purchases but on the whole I chose what I like for me, not anyone else. After all I am not asking them to wear it!

The late, great Joyce Grenfell in one of her monologues said of clothes, 'They look quite promising in the shop, and not entirely without hope when I get them back into my wardrobe. But then, when I put them on they tend to deteriorate with a very strange rapidity and one feels sorry for them'. I daresay many of us can empathise with that feeling.

So, this season, or any season dress to impress - not anyone else but yourself. Disabled or not, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” said Mark Twain.


And Karl Lagerfeld said, “Never use the word “cheap”. Today everybody can look chic in inexpensive clothes (the rich buy them too). There is good clothing design on every level today. You can be the chicest thing in the world in a T-shirt and jeans — it’s up to you.”

 

Chic womankind

Minis, maxis, on the knee

Cropped pants, shorts, slacks, jeans

T-shirts, vests, blouses, tunics

Jumpers, cardies, shrugs, hoodies

Shoes, boots, sandals, crocks

Bare legs, stockings, tights, socks

Raincoats, overcoats, duffles, parkas,

Fleeces, shawls, capes, cagoules

Hats, caps, berets, snoods

Earrings, necklaces, brooches, pins

Rings, bracelets, cuffs, bangles

Handbags, satchels, rucksacks, purses

Holdalls, shoppers, clutches, carriers

Wheelchairs, crutches, sticks, scooters

Looking good, looking smart

Proud of the reflection in the mirror

Brush your hair, put on the lippy

Slick on the mascara, paint your nails

Spray on the perfume, face the world.

The architect, the builder and the saboteur

I try very  hard to explain to people how Aphasia affects me. They think it is just a speech impediment I have or they have met me before and say, 'what's happened to your speech? Why are you talking like that?' It is if I am putting on a silly voice.

I wish it hadn't happened but what has happened could have been so much worse, so I am grateful that a silly voice is all I have to show for my stroke. Well not all. My never ending struggle with background noise doesn't improve and I wear ear plugs now to try and block it out. I can't wear them all the time so something else has to be found but for the moment I am managing, just.

In trying to help myself come to terms with all this, and to support others like me, I started this blog. But out there are people who don't know what Aphasia is, or what it does to people and most of all the affect it has on them.

These are people who probably know someone with Aphasia or even care for someone with it, but the actual problems faced by an Aphasic is lost on them.

I have written this next bit to try and explain what background noise is like to me. I can't say it has the same affect on everyone with the problem as we are all different but I know how I feel and this is how I see it.

All communication comes from ideas gleaned from what goes on around us. We glean these from what we see, what we hear, what we feel and what we taste. The ideas are taken by our architect in the brain who draws up the plan for the builder to assemble into the different modes of communication; words, facial expression, gestures and sign language.


Think then what happens if a saboteur in the form of excessive back ground noise disrupts the work of the architect. As he draws up his plans he is bombarded with overwhelming noise that interrupts the other information that he needs to draw up the plans, so these plans become increasingly flawed.


As the saboteur keeps up his work the builder receives more and more defective plans to work with and increasingly the work starts to fall apart. The architect downs tools and refuses to work under the stressful conditions leaving the builder nothing to work with so, he too, goes on strike.

Only the saboteur is the winner in the power struggle.

 

Please insert she for he as appropriate!

Now if you think I have gone mad, I am sorry but essentially this is what is happening. We learn from a young age that what we see, what we hear, what we touch and what we taste will be the information that we work from and with for ever. We learn that sugar is sweet, so every time we see or taste sugar we know it is sugar. The taste is familiar and the look is familiar so it must be - sugar. Lemons are bitter, they are yellow and they look like a small  rugby ball. So when we taste or see one we know that it is a lemon.

Words are like that. We see them written down, hear them spoken, taste them as we pronounce them and feel them as we visualise them. If I close my eyes and hear the word rain to me it get a picture of wetness on my face and the smells of hot pavements and wet grass. 

If there is a lot of background noise I can't hear the word and I have nothing to imagine. So my architect is slaving away in very unsatisfactory conditions against the saboteur and sending defective words down to the builder who cannot make anything fit together. When the architect goes on strike the poor builder has less and less to construct with until, he too, can go no further and stops. 

That is when I can't talk any more because I have no words to say as they have been sabotaged and as I say I am very fluent in gibberish!

I went to the Trefoil Guild meeting this evening and met some wonderful ladies. They were wonderful in accepting me and helping me. Once only did I get upset because I couldn't make myself understood, but we got there in the end.

Tonight we had a speaker from the charity Canine Partners. These are assistance dogs for the disabled. We met a gorgeous black labrador called Whiskey who helps his owner Karenza at home.

She too uses an  electric wheelchair and has encountered people who do the 'does she take sugar" syndrome. I agreed with her as sometimes I feel I get the virtual pat on the head of there there. Her talk was interesting and an eye opener for us in the amount of time it takes to train the puppies and the length of time a disabled person has to wait for one. The guild are planning a visit to the training centre at Midhurst in Sussex and there is, she says, no opportunity to sneak a puppy home! Damn!

Karenza's situation is different to mine as my Aphasia is different from other Aphasics. But deep down we are basically the same. We all struggle daily, we all have highs and lows, we all want to be accepted in society. She said she has days when very tired that her speech is not as good as other days. My starts from a different starting point and goes down. But we both have architects and builders who are sabotaged by the saboteur. And when we are at our lowest, there is only one winner - the saboteur. 

Hospitals, celebrations, family and friends.

I have been back from respite care a little while now and my husband is recovering well from his operation, however, the hospital seems to still be part of our lives.

Since I came home I have seen the Rheumatology nurse, been to have an oximetry test fitted but that didn't work, had a Doppler scan on my neck arteries and  had a heart monitor fitted and removed. Next week I have a bone density scan and a mammogram.  As you can appreciate I am not overly fond of hospitals!

My lovely physiotherapist has been to see me and she is trying to organise some things to help me manage. She has given me exercises which will hopefully help the pain from my herniated disc in my neck and she is seeing if my manual wheelchair can be adapted for a neck rest. I have Wanda my electric wheelchair but if for any reason I cannot use her the manual one is very uncomfortable as I have no neck support.

I am still waiting to see the speech therapist as I haven't seen one since I left hospital. My speech is very much hit and miss as some days I can cope fairly well but other days are horrendous.

I feel I have a ball like for the lottery or bingo and the words are spinning round. The door opens and I try and grab a word that I want but so many times I miss. The door opens and closes so quick and the word I want just disappears into the middle of the other words tumbling around.

Reading this you probably think I have no problem but this is tiring and frustrating as I search for words that I want. I will look for the word I want and it can take such a long time looking for just one word.

My problem with the background noise doesn't seem to go away. It can ruin enjoyable times with friends and family as I end up in tears because I cannot concentrate on what people are saying to me. I very much want to start mixing with people again and already have started with two courses at our church. Each course only has about a dozen people and in the main they are the same people too. One course is weekly and the other fortnightly. They are quiet and I can follow what is said as people are talking one at a time too.

My next challenge is to restart Trefoil Guild at the end of the month. I know that there will be a speaker and I hope that if there are questions people will speak one at a time. I have explained this problem to them and on the whole I think they will help me. Also, a lady from the Stroke Association came to see me and has told me of a club/support group run by the Stroke Association for Aphasia sufferers. I hope to go along to that. Apart from when I was in hospital I have never met an Aphasic. I need to meet people like me. I explained to her that at times I feel very alone, in a little bubble.

It is hard to know what to do to help yourself although my husband and I have tried to come up with ways. We have played scrabble, not competitively just to try and help me and as I make a word I have to say it. I have been playing Solitaire on Facebook to help with my concentration and other games but I am not very successful at much. Something else I have found is to use when my speech is not good. A lady on Facebook sent me a link to a site for children as I have been searching for flashcards. I have printed off the ones I feel are good for me food, washing, dressing, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom that sort of thing. The lady from the Stroke Association has also told me about apps for my phone and tablet that will bring up words I am looking for.

Last Sunday was my birthday so after church my husband, myself, my mother in law, my daughter, my son in law and my two year old twin grandchildren went out to lunch. We enjoyed it immensely and I feel I managed very well as the area we were in was quiet. Monday after the Doppler scan of my neck we went to meet friends for lunch and on the whole I managed well there too. I went shopping and coped well except for the paying I always panic at money matters! Then to see my brother and his partner as they couldn't come on the Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday hospital and today the Stroke Association lady and I am exhausted. I am finding I am tearful as I am tired and the brain not working. I get upset if the words won't come to me. Frustration makes the speech worse and it is harder to find the words I want.

Communication after a stroke is not well publicised and the problems are numerous. I was given a list of the problems and identified some that I have. I am not able to understand people if they talk in long sentences as I forget how the sentence started. Sometimes I know exactly what I want but cannot put a name to it. I stop talking as I can't find the word I want and I know I know it but it won't come. When talking I will talk in short sentences missing out words. I now understand this is normal.

The hospital appointments and meeting family and friends has been tiring. This has meant I could not write anything as I was waiting for the roller coaster to finish. I have been so tired I haven't been out at all today. Tiredness and Aphasia do not go together at all. That is not only what I say but the books and the professionals so I have to believe it.

My plans for PACING have not gone to plan this last week or so and I shall have to start behaving again. But my excuse is I get hospital appointments I have to keep them as they are taking care of me and that is what I want.

Speaking in tongues

I have been AWOL for a few weeks due to circumstances beyond my control. Namely that my husband had to go into hospital for an operation and I had to go into respite care. Now my husband is home and he collected me, so we are starting another page and hope we can settle down properly in our new home.

Unfortunately the place I went to doesn't have WiFi, free or otherwise, for 'clients'. So I had to make do with books, magazines and using my iphone which is rather expensive. But I am back and can catch up with my blogging and the news which I have missed out on.

The care home was OK and I did have a single room thankfully. I could shut myself away and read to my heart's content. That suits me fine even if I have to read the books a few times so as I can remember what they were about! The problem I had there was NOISE.

I have mentioned before that my Aphasia causes me to be troubled but background noise. In the care home I made my way to the dining room three times a day and unfortunately I had to leave at the earliest possible moment. I felt I was running away and being rude to people.

The talking all around me, the clatter of crockery and cutlery and sometimes there was music playing too I would be in tears. I told the staff and they were very kind but of course could do nothing about it. I did eat in my room a few times but because I wasn't mixing with people I isolated myself. I couldn't go to any of the television lounges because of the noise as people were talking while others tried to watch the television. I preferred to have my radio on and listen to classical music; much more soothing.

I took myself to the local church on a Sunday morning and the actual service was fine. Afterwards they were serving tea or coffee so I went through to have a drink. At first all was well but then people started to come in and the talking got louder and louder. Added to that the clinking of cups and saucers, I drank my coffee and said I had to get back for lunch, which was true.

I am hoping I will manage this Sunday as our church is holding it's Harvest Festival lunch. We have decided to go and I am wanting to see people and mix with them. I hope I can cope for an hour or two, if not I will have to miss out and so will my husband who will have to take me home.

I have explained to people the problem and hope upon hope that they will follow the guidelines in communicating with me. All you can do is tell people and ask them to follow the advice but you cannot force them. Although I know my husband will remind them if need be.

The worst experiences I have had with noise has been at the hospital. I had a little problem with my eye and had to go to an out of hours eye clinic. It was quite quiet when we arrived and then people started to arrive. A lady went into the doctor's room with her son and daughter (they were all adults and not young). When they came out they saw some people they knew and chose to stand directly behind my wheelchair. They talked over each other getting louder and louder until I was in tears. My husband stood with his hands over my ears and a nurse was in the waiting room so she came over to see if I was alright. My husband explained the problem and she took my letter and got me in to see the doctor immediately. The doctor was very helpful and spoke to me giving me time to answer. The only thing he checked was that I could understand what he said. I had another bout of what I term 'noise panic' in the cardiology waiting room but it wasn't as bad as the eye clinic.

I have tried to find a solution to the problem and had some advice. Certain headphones have a switch that will cut out background noise but I am not sure how they would work with me trying to listen to someone having a conversation with me. I have also seen directional microphones that fit onto eye glasses, they have a earpiece at the back of the glasses' arm that goes into the ear. Again  I am not sure how efficient they would be. I would be willing to try them but first want to know more but they is little on the Internet about either the headphones or the glasses. I want to ask my speech therapist but she is away for a couple of weeks and there is no one else to ask. Aphasia groups and websites don't have anything on this problem yet it isn't rare.

I have tried to explain what it is like having the background noise problem. People don't always talk quietly even if there are just two people having a conversation. In a waiting room or café there may be 20 or so couples, all talking and trying to hear over the other people. The hubbub gets louder and louder. This is how it is for me but someone like my husband says the noise isn't very loud it is bearable but to me it is like being at a cup final match every day with people making a huge noise. I am told to block it out but that is the problem I can't.

The stress and strain of the background noise is everywhere in shops, the post office, in the street everywhere I go. Of course it takes it's toll and my speech suffers as I get tired and frustrated. Aphasia can and does vary from day to day. I, like others with Aphasia, have good days and bad days. In a book I was given on Aphasia there is a drawing a man is saying, 'some days I can talk the hind leg off a donkey. Some days I can't talk at all.' Things can make it worse, as I have found, tiredness, being frightened, being anxious and being upset.

It says that if you know what causes these fluctuations avoid the things that make talking more difficult for you. Moving away from noisy situations or asking for the noise to be cut down. I understand that but how can you tell a waiting room of people or a shop full of people to stop talking?

I felt I had achieved a lot today as I went shopping with my husband. I did have to leave him to pay and wait outside the shops on occasions but how could you tell a mother whose child is in total meltdown to keep it quiet? All I could do was leave the shop. Some advice is not always helpful or sensible we have to manage the best way we can, we know what would help and make it totally bearable but we have to live in the real world and the real world has to work for everyone without exceptions.

A lecture and a nasty word then fun and games in the park.

If there is one word I just cannot handle it is PACING. Yes that old chestnut that physiotherapist like to use.

I am unfortunately someone who wants to do it all. Once I have mastered getting to the bathroom with my husband and the wall for assistance I want to walk everywhere! Just one slight problem. It hurts, I can't get there without stopping a few times and I am knackered afterward.

So yesterday the Neurological physiotherapist came to visit me and assess how things were going. She was pleased when I did the little bits like bedroom to bathroom (just next door to each other) and sofa to kitchen which is just five or six steps. Then the lecture. I must do just little bits or I will get too tired and not make progress.She then ganged up on me with my husband to say I must PACE. It was no good me covering my ears they insist. So what must I do instead?

She is contacting the speech therapist to visit me and the occupational therapist. She herself is away and will contact me when she is back to see how it is going. In the meantime I can walk to the bathroom and back to the bedroom. I can walk to the next bedroom just a few steps away then use the wheelchair to get to the lounge. I can transfer from chair to sofa. I can get to the kitchen and use the perching stool if I want to prepare meals and if I am good I can stand for a very little while. I can stay up for short periods unless it is important to be up for longer, otherwise it is a wheelchair ride back to bed.

Bossy? Yes but sensible really as I am stilling feeling very tired.

My staying up was approved for today so I could spend time with our daughter and grandchildren. I told the physiotherapist I wanted to go out to lunch and to the park so she allowed me on the condition I rest for the next TWO days!

So we did go and meet up with our daughter and the twins who are two and a half. I didn't have to talk to anyone out and about except for my family and no one, not even the children, took any notice of my speech. It is amazing how children accept us as we are.

After some fun by the sea where the children went on a bouncy castle and a merry go round we walked to a pub/restaurant for lunch. The children found some amusements there too and ate a good lunch. We went to the town afterward and I needed to go into the bookshop. I was looking for a book I want for my birthday so my daughter and husband know which one it is. We couldn't see it on the shelf and I was saying the name of the author when one of the staff came to talk to us. Panic stations, I just wanted to go. My daughter said I could come in a look another time when the children were not there getting fussy standing around so I could escape.I felt silly afterward for getting panic stricken.

A walk to the park where the children fell asleep was lovely. Hardly anyone around so we could meander along the paths. Then they woke up and we went to the playground for a while. Where do they get their energy?

Back home we all had a drink and a biscuit before our daughter and grandchildren had to get their train home. Before they left I was so tired my husband helped me back to bed. No sooner had he left to walk to the station with them and I was asleep!

So tomorrow I must rest and to be honest I need to. I am still knackered and I have slept for an hour or more and only had sandwiches for supper. But the physiotherapist was right I need to build up my strength slowly and PACE. I won't be spending every day like today so I must allow for these things happening.

I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the little people enjoy themselves. They throw themselves into everything with gusto. I must NOT throw myself into things I must slow down. And dare I say it PACE myself. Seems I must learn to like that word if I am to get any better.

Coward that I am

I have mentioned that I use an electric wheelchair to get around the town and on occasions that we have to walk any distance. It is more practical, most comfortable than my manual chair and gives me more independence.

It is quite large and I can position it with buttons to recline and lift the foot rests so I can almost lay flat, very comfy indeed! I love it so much I have called her Wanda. Because she wanders all over the place with me. We enjoy walks along the seafront of our town. I take her to the theatre where they have designated disabled places for wheelchairs, the lady there says every time I go that it is a big chair. Yes, I say but the same size as the last time I came!

My husband brought her into the hospital for me to sit in as I cannot sit in the low armchairs they provide there. She was fine, we got around the hospital no problem then the left foot rest broke. I had put the foot rests up and locked them in place whilst I sat by the window as the nurses changed and made my bed. Then I had to move so put the foot rests down and when I raised them again the left one was locked.

My husband looked at the chair when he visited and some small bits of plastic fell out of the locking plate. Oh dear, I was rather upset as I rely on Wanda, a lot. But we managed to get by until I got home and then we had to source a wheelchair repair centre.

We know Wanda is an Invacare Tiger so my husband called Invacare in Wales and they told him there is a stockist near us and gave him the telephone number. He called them and they told him to bring Wanda along.

This is where I suddenly became a coward.

I couldn't go with him. I wanted to go, I wanted to tell them what had happened, but I couldn't. I was overcome with sheer panic. I knew if I went I wouldn't be able to talk at all. If I got any words out they would be intelligable and then it would get so much worse. So I stayed at home and off he went with Wanda.

The man was great he said, he took photos of the chair and of the part concerned. He made notes and would contact Invacare himself to find the part needed. He didn't want to take it apart in case it was factory made in a whole piece, he wanted to check first. So Wanda is back under her cover and chained up with the mobility scooters here at the retirement appartment block.

I felt rather stupid not going but I was in such a state over it. My husband didn't force me and won't he is leaving me to make the decision. And when our daughter rang she didn't say I should have gone, she said it will take time and you will do it. I am not sure what is best really. Them being so kind about it or should they have said it would be alright there is nothing to worry about.

Time, they say, is a great healer. But how much time? Will I suddenly wake up and think, I want to go out today? Or will I have to force myself? Who knows?

Then this afternoon I fell asleep. I think I slept almost two hours. When I woke my husband was there and he started asking me questions but I couldn't answer. It wasn't that I didn't want to I just couldn't; very weird feeling. After about half an hour I could get out one or two words but they didn't seem very clear, a while later when our daughter rang it seemed easier but still a challenge to say what I wanted.

I read in my information on Aphasia that some people have days when they can talk all day then another day cannot say a word. I hope it won't be like that but if it is then I shall just have to learn to live with it.

I am often thinking about what I used to do and what I wanted to do. Much of it is involved with talking, reading and writing. But now things are different I will have to change my goals. For a long time I was a Girl Guide (Girl Scout) Leader which I loved. I enjoyed all aspects of it, especially camping, hiking, camp fires and everything associated with it. After living in France for 10 years and now back in the UK I wanted to become involved again but this time in the Trefoil Guild.

I had met up with the ladies for a visit to the Lifeboat station and for a meal in July and found them a wonderful group of people. I was looking forward to the new term in September and had found out where to get my uniform etc.

How would they react to me now? I decided to email the leader of the group and she was very encouraging. I sent her a copy of the first of these blogs and she has passed it to the others. I didn't want to have to explain what had happened and what Aphasia meant on the first evening. I prefer that people know in advance then I can answer questions as they arise. It is reassuring that I can still be a part of something that was important to me for so long.

I read today a quote that I think is very apt.

You can't start the next chapter of your life
If you keep re-reading the last one.

I think that is important to remember. I had a busy and active life. Work, home, family, drama clubs, choirs, swimming, aqua-aerobics, travel, Guiding, camping and so much more. But if I cling to all that I won't be able to go forward. I think with my disability I have done that to some extent and became stuck. Now I have another problem and I must find a way to work with it not against it. I will still travel, I will be involved in Guiding again, I could still swim and do aqua-aerobics as the swimming pool near us has swimming for the disabled. I have a wonderful church family who are understanding and accepting as well as family and friends.

I need to show those that support me that I can move on to the next chapter and be as happy there as I was before.

I was a coward today but perhaps I can be less of a coward tomorrow or the day after. Life is not easy and no one said it has to be, it is what you do with the hand dealt you.