We have been married 42 years and for the last 12 years he has been my carer despite having health problems himself. Last year when I had two strokes in two weeks he helped me relearn to speak and when I had almost regained my speech then this stroke occurred. I am having speech therapy this time but he helps me too and he does try to think of ways of getting me involved in everyday things. But he also tells me when to stop doing things and when to rest, he is the one who insists on my pacing myself and it is sinking in to me slowly that perhaps that is a good idea!
This week at the Aphasia group I go to there was Vitalyze, Chair exercising for disabled people and non disabled too. We were a big group this week and with carers and volunteers we took up quite a bit of the hall. Sally the 'instructor' played music from the 50s by Guy Mitchell and my husband was singing along, doing the exercises and moving my leg for me he was having a ball! We moved arms, legs, hips, neck and back, which for some people was very difficult as their arms or legs won't move and they had to be manipulated either by themselves or someone else. Then Sally handed out soft balls and streamers such as those used by gymnasts. For those with hands/arms that won't move the ball was to help them grip by placing the ball in the hand and using the other hand try and get a grip on the ball. The streamers had handles and those with hands/arms that won't move the handle was pushed into the immobile hand and then with the other hand/arm move the immobile one to make the streamer move. Due to other physical problems I have with the rheumatoid and osteo arthritis, fibromyalgia and Sjogren's Syndrome I started to hurt and my hands swelled up but I managed it. My neck hurt a bit from the exercise as I have a herniated disc and my hips from the osteo-arthritis where I moved them but it was amazing. Once again my husband made me stop when I started to hurt. We plan to do some exercises like this every couple of days just as we have speech therapy homework to do where he helps me pronounce sounds.
I am aware, just as I have found others who have suffered strokes do, that I get tearful at times for no reason and angry for no reason as well. I don't get angry at my husband I get angry with myself and the situation of things I can't do or do as well as I would like. The problem is when I vent he is the one who takes the flak!
I have been told I have no reason to be angry with myself or with the situation but I want to do more and I can't. I am tired of pushing myself and getting nowhere. Sometimes I just want to run away but I can't walk let alone run. I couldn't cope alone, so it is a silly idea really.
Sometimes I wonder why he stays with me, except he says he loves me. He doesn't need someone who needs so much care to wear him out but he does everything for me. I know at times I don't seem grateful or pleased about the things he does but deep down I do.
I can't understand why I don't understand things sometimes, why some words are elusive to me or I can't say words that are so simple when others say them. He just says, 'don't worry. It doesn't matter.'
That is why I have written these two poems for My Mr Motivator, to show him and you how much I appreciate him.
Even
if I can't
Could
you still love me, even if I can't say 'I love you '?
Could
you still hold me, even if I can't hold you back ?
Could
you still take me out, even if I can't walk ?
Could
you stay with me, even if I need caring for ?
Could
you still desire me, even if I have a useless body ?
Could
you still caress me, even if I can't feel it ?
Could
you still talk with me, even if I can't express my thoughts ?
I
can't say 'I love you' but look into my eyes.
I
can't hold you but I can sit beside you.
I
can't walk but I still like to see outside.
I
need caring for but I can't let you go.
My
body is useless but I can still lie beside you.
I
can't feel you caress me but I can see you touch me.
I
can't express MY thoughts but I can listen to yours.
A
lovesong for my beloved
Long
ago we made a vow
Something
I remember, even now
To
love and honour each other we said
I
do not regret saying it as we wed
I
love you now as much as ever
And
honour you here with every letter
As
we became one till the end of time.
Deep
in my heart my love is strong
And
spills out in joy as a love song
Passion,
desire, caress and urge
Wrapped
up in every single word
This
outpouring of thoughts of you
Are
words I promise are forever true
And
will be the same till the end of time.
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